Every wedding officiant eventually faces the same question: how much of my script should I share with my couple?
Should you hand over every word for their approval, or should you lock it down like top-secret intellectual property? Somewhere in between?
The truth is: there’s no single “right” answer. But after more than a decade of officiating (and plenty of trial and error), I’ve landed on some guiding principles that might help you figure out where you sit on the spectrum.
By the end of this article, you’ll be able to decide what’s best for you. And your couples. That perfect balance is what we’re after.
Here are the main approaches — and the pitfalls — when it comes to controlling your wedding script.
The “Everything’s Up for Approval” Approach
On one extreme, some officiants send the entire script to the couple: every intro, every transition, every little “Can I get an amen?” moment.
The upside? The couple feels total ownership and never gets surprised. If they want to change a word or remove a section, they can. If they want to add in Aunt Linda’s reading of a poem, it’s easy to slot in.
The downside? You lose control over what makes ceremonies shine.
Couples don’t always know what works in front of 150 guests. They might cut your opening remarks (which are designed to warm up the crowd). They might nix the fun “amen” line that gets the whole room engaged because of how it looks on paper. They might rearrange the closing so the grand finale falls flat.
If, like me, you’ve spent years perfecting a structure that actually works, watching a couple strip it down can be… painful.
The “Trust Me, You’ll See It on the Day” Approach
On the other extreme are officiants who say: “Thanks for your input in the planning session. Now I’ll write the script… and you won’t see it until the wedding day.”
This camp often argues:
- “I’m the professional. My script is my intellectual property.”
- “If you read it in advance, it won’t land as well when you hear it live.”
- “I don’t want you nitpicking my humour or flow.”
And there’s some truth here. If the couple already knows your every word, they won’t laugh as hard, and they won’t look as delighted in photos when you tell their love story.
But this approach has its risks, especially for first-time officiants. If you’re the cousin or best friend who’s never officiated before, the couple might feel uneasy about being kept in the dark. They want reassurance that you’re not going to wing it or read something awkward you found online.
Why Sharing Can Frustrate You
Even if you’re comfortable letting couples peek at the script, be prepared: they’ll make edits.
- They might remove your carefully designed opening.
- They might tell you not to say “amen.”
- They might move the closing announcement to the end of the recessional.
And here’s the kicker: the edits that make them feel better often make the ceremony worse.
That’s why explaining the why behind each element is so important. Don’t just say, “I’ll give opening remarks.” Tell them:
- It warms up the crowd.
- It sets the energy.
- It turns a stiff, quiet audience into one that laughs and cheers during the love story.
When couples understand the purpose, they’re less likely to cut the magic parts.
The Middle Ground: Guided Sharing
Where I’ve landed — and what I teach in my course — is sharing the whole script… minus the love story.
Here’s how it works:
- Couples see everything: processional, vows, ring exchange, pronouncement, presentation, even your signature openers and closers.
- When they get to the love story, the script just says: “Your story goes here. Writing in progress.”
Why? Because the love story is the emotional core. It’s the part that gets guests leaning in, laughing, crying, and reacting in real time. And the best part: the couple are so excited to get up there and hear for the first how you’re gonna tell their story.
If the couple has already read it, the electricity of hearing it together with their guests disappears.
Most couples completely understand when you explain this. And if they insist on reading it anyway? I’ll gently push back, but ultimately remind myself: it’s their wedding, not mine. And I’ll let ’em see it. (But thankfully, that’s never happened in all my years of officiating. Yeah, I really sell how much they’ll love it if they don’t.)
Use the Workshop to Set Expectations
The best way to avoid script-sharing headaches is to run a solid planning workshop.
In that session, walk through the whole ceremony step by step. Don’t just collect answers to your questionnaire — paint the picture:
- “I’ll start with opening remarks. Here’s what that does.”
- “When you’re in front of me, I’ll warm up the crowd with this line.”
- “After the pronouncement, I’ll give closing remarks to build the grand finale.”
That way, when they do see the script, nothing is a surprise. They already know why each element is there, and they’re less likely to cut the pieces that matter.
Handling Pushback and Vendor Requests
Sometimes, it’s not even the couple who asks for changes — it’s another vendor.
A planner might suggest adding a reading. A photographer might ask you to announce family photos at the last minute.
Here’s my rule of thumb:
- If it’s a simple tweak that helps the day run smoothly (like reminding family to stay for photos), I’ll happily accommodate.
- If it’s a fundamental change to the ceremony structure, I politely push back and remind everyone: this is the couple’s ceremony, planned with them in advance.
Again, your job is to serve the couple — not the planner’s preference, not your ego, not even “tradition.”
Intellectual Property vs. Client Service
Yes, your script is your intellectual property. You’ve honed your words, your flow, and your love story structure over years. But remember: once you’re hired, you’re being paid to deliver a ceremony for this couple.
That means sometimes letting go of “your way” if the couple insists on theirs.
The guiding principle: advise like an expert, but serve like a professional.
Explain to your couple why you do what you do. Share the benefits of your approach. But if the couple really wants something else — and it’s not unethical or harmful — give it to them.
Because in the end, nobody remembers whether you got your closing remarks exactly right. What they remember is how the ceremony felt.
So, Where Should You Land?
Think about two questions:
- What do you need as an officiant? Do you feel calmer when the couple has signed off on every word, or do you feel more creative when you hold some things back?
- What does your couple need? Are they anxious first-timers who want reassurance, or are they laid-back and ready to be surprised?
Answer those two questions, and you’ll find your spot on the spectrum.
For me, the sweet spot is: share everything but the love story. Explain the why behind the script. Push back gently when needed. But never forget: it’s their wedding, not yours.
Final Word
Controlling your ceremony script is a balancing act between protecting your craft and serving your couple.
If you share too much, you risk diluting the magic. If you share too little, you risk losing their trust.
But if you guide them, set expectations early, and hold back just enough to keep the spark alive, you’ll deliver a ceremony that feels both personal and professional — and leaves everyone cheering “amen!”
