A unity ritual is a familiar element of any wedding ceremony. You might have heard of the more common ones like handfasting or sand mixing.

The tricky part for wedding officiants is that there are dozens – maybe hundreds – of unity rituals. And your couple might ask you to include any number of them in their wedding ceremony. And that’s where the challenge comes in.

When you conduct your ceremony planning meeting with your couple, they’ll tell you they want the more familiar core elements of a wedding ceremony like exchanging vows and rings. (If you want to read more about this meeting, I’ve written a bestselling book dedicated to the subject!)

But then… they’ll say it: “During the ceremony, we want to do a thing we saw on TikTok where we both pump a spray of our favourite fragrance into a vase, then put the vase into a kerchief and smash it with a hammer, then run the shards through a rock polisher, then display them in a light case.”

“Um, okay,” you say, being the good officiant that you are.

And that’s when it dawns on you. You need to write a script for that.

Okay, to be fair: that’s an extreme example of a unity ritual that I totally made up just now. (Kudos to the brave couple who try it!)

More commonly, you’ll get asked about unity rituals like a candle lighting, or a handfasting, or a sand mixing – something like that. But there’s a good chance you may never have heard of the unity ritual they’re asking you for, and you don’t know anything about it.

That’s when the intimidation sets in.

But whatever the unity ritual, you don’t need to feel overwhelmed by how to write it or what to do.

Just use my 5-Step Unity Ritual Formula. It clarifies what you need to do and write, and it works for every unity ritual you’ll be asked to include in the wedding ceremony. This structure makes sure you know what to write and get it done quickly and easily.

1. Explain What The Unity Ritual Signifies

I discuss how to transition from any core wedding ceremony element to the next in this post. Thankfully, the same basic blueprint holds for unity rituals as with other elements, too.

For a start, you’re simply going to want to explain the significance of the unity ritual. This keeps it interesting for the listener, and you’re setting the frame for what’s to come.

Let’s start with an obvious unity ritual like a unity candle lighting.

You’re asked to write a script for a unity candle lighting. So you crack your knuckles, open your script doc, and then take a moment to think about what the ritual is demonstrating. What concept or truism is it illustrating “in the flesh?”

When you figure out what it’s demonstrating and illustrating, then you know what it’s signifying. And now you know how to introduce it to everyone.

A unity candle ritual is when the members of the couple (or members of their family) each take a taper candle and together light a single pillar candle.

What does this act signify? It’s a symbol of… what? That’s where you start. Because this is not just wax and fire. It’s a sign of something deeper.

Each flame signifies each member of the couple. And when they bring their candles together, the single flame signifies how they are now inseparably united as one.

And there it is. Your script and your introduction to the unity ritual.

So, the first thing you write is something like, “Kelly and Madison are two individuals with two separate lives. Until today. In marriage, they come together in uniting their paths and their stories into one in a way that can never be separated.”

You may want to workshop that later or consider it a first draft. But whatever the ritual, when you’ve introduced it by laying out what it’s signifying, you’re ready to move to the next part.

2. Name the Unity Ritual and How It Works

You’ve led into the unity ritual with the significance of what is about to happen, and now people are listening and they’re intrigued.

Next, you’re going to explicitly identify the unity ritual that the couple are about to perform and that the guests are going to witness (or on rarer occasions, participate in). This means it’s time to explain just what the couple are about to do.

When you’re writing, that means you need to take a moment now to think of every single move your couple are going to make.

This is where you not only write the words you’re going to say, but also the movements and motions of the ritual. Because a wedding ceremony script that only contains the spoken words is only half done.

You want every cue and movement in the script for total clarity. And this applies to the unity ritual as well.

Back to our unity candle ritual. Here’s what you’d say next:

“And so, Kelly and Madison are each going to take a candle. The candle represents how they are two people with their own lives and identity. And they will join the flame into one, lighting a single fire that represents their lives, now joined forever as one.”

Something like that. But do you see how we hooked the listener with the intriguing significance first, and then we described exactly how the ritual works and demonstrates that significance?

Now it’s time for the next part of the ritual.

3. Set The Unity Ritual in Motion

Our couple need to actually go and do the thing. Or, we might need to do something for them like tie the cord in a handfasting. Whatever is involved, it’s best to get our couple doing it with the least amount of “dead air” as possible. That means: we ask them to perform the ritual while we are talking.

Now, we’re not afraid of silent moments during the wedding ceremony. “Silence is bad” is not the reason why it’s important to perform and talk at the same time. Silence is good sometimes.

We do it for our couple’s sake. I’ve found that when we do a unity ritual where out couple has to accomplish some task — like pouring sand into a vial or getting something lit on fire for example — they can feel awkward and self-conscious with 200 people looking on in dead silence. And it makes it harder for the couple.

So for their sake, ask yourself when you’re writing the script: when do I want them to move to the place and do the thing?

In our example above that starts with “Kelly and Madison are each going to take a candle…,” it makes sense that this is their cue to move to the table and begin performing the ritual as you’re talking.

You don’t need to talk for the entire duration of the unity ritual. But talking as they get started helps rid them of some of that self-consciousness they’ll feel when they begin moving into the ritual. So read what you’ve written, and if they’re still performing when you’re done, no sweat. Just smile and watch along with everyone else.

But when you’re writing, if you sense that you’ll need a little more to say to fill the time, this next part will help.

4. Describe How The Unity Ritual Is Personal to the Couple

This might not apply to every ritual, but if there are personal aspects of the unity ritual that are personal to the couple, it’s best to expound on them here. This typically adds a sentimental “awww” factor (yes, that’s a technical wedding industry term) to the unity ritual that guests love.

Maybe for a handfasting, you will talk about how for going back several generations of the bride’s family, each marriage has always begun with the ritual of “tying the knot” during the wedding ceremony, and that Kelly and Madison are continuing that strong family tradition.

Or for a unity shot, you might say how “some couples signify their union with lighting a candle or mixing sand. But Kelly and Madison felt it more true to them to signify their union with… tequila!”

Now, after you’ve written this part, you have a judgement call to make. You might notice it follows best to read this part after you’ve explained the ritual (Step 1 above) and then named and described it (Step 2 above). Or, you might notice it might be best to lead into the ritual with words about how this is personal to the couple (Step 4 above) before you even say what it is (Step 2 above).

Let’s return to our unity candle example.

If there’s nothing personal to the couple about the candles, then you can skip this part.

BUT: let’s say our couple were in Türkiye when she proposed. Then they went to a bazaar and bought beeswax candles in the colours of their family crests. They are passionate bee keepers themselves, and the candles they bought on that trip in Türkiye are the candles that they using in their unity candle ritual today.

Now that is something you want to explain!

But when do you say it? You have two options.

First, you can lead into the unity ritual with the personal description, because it intrigues and captures attention. “A few years ago when they were on that trip in Türkiye that I mentioned in their love story, Kelly and Madison came across the perfect candles.”

Or… you can say this same thing as background information after you’ve introduced the significance and described the motions of the ritual while they perform the ritual. It infuses the ritual with even more meaning as everyone listens to you and watches them carry it out.

5. Return to Position After the Unity Ritual

This might seem obvious, but it’s crucial: think about where the couple need to be when the unity ritual is done. And to my earlier point about silence and awkwardness: it might be best to avoid major delays leading into the next ceremony element.

Because sometimes when they’re moving from one place to another up front, it can create those awkward silences or stilted transitions. And when we can avoid that, we want to.

That’s why after we’ve written the unity ritual into the script, we need to think about the best place to put it in the script: after which ceremony element, and before which element?

Thinking through how they’ll get back into place helps you decide where the unity ritual actually goes best in the ceremony.

So for a unity candle lighting, I don’t want them to have to walk back to the centre and have that long pause rearranging themselves in front of me before I pronounce them married. I want the pronouncement to come immediately after something that already has them standing centre stage — say, the exchange of rings.

That’s why when they’re doing a ritual like sand mixing and it involves moving off to another place at the front, I make sure that the ritual goes after the exchange of vows and before the exchange of rings. This ensures that the move off and do the ritual, then come back to centre and they exchange rings, and then we can immediately move into the pronouncement and the kiss.

But for some unity rituals like a handfasting, it’s best to think through the fact that their hands will be physically tied when the ritual is done. So, rather than take a (possibly awkward) moment to remove the cords for the ring exchange, we can choose to put the handfasting ritual after the exchange of rings and before the pronouncement and kiss! Because kissing is one thing they can do with their hands tied.

In this scenario, after the kiss is done, we can send them up the aisle with the cord still tied or we can move into the signing and they can remove the cord at the signing table.

If this sounds complicated, it’s not. All you have to do when you’re writing a unity ritual is take a moment to think through every movement like you did for Step 3 — Set the Ritual In Motion above. You’re like a movie director and you want to envision everything they’re going to do and how it will end. Then you’ll know exactly where — after what and before what — the unity ritual goes best.

And that’s it! No more stressing about unity rituals. As a wedding officiant, you might come across dozens of unity rituals you’ve never heard of. Have fun with it! Apply the 5-Step Unity Ritual Formula I use — so you can write it quickly, easily, and you’ll have confidence that it’s happening at the very best time in the wedding ceremony.