So you’ve decided to ask someone you love to officiate your wedding.
Maybe it’s your brother. Your best friend. Your favourite aunt. That one person who’s known you both since the beginning and somehow managed to keep liking you through all of it.
I love this idea.
There’s something wonderful about having someone who actually knows you stand at the front of the room and lead your wedding ceremony. Someone who can tell your story, make your guests laugh, and speak about your relationship with genuine affection.
But before you pop the question, there’s something I’d love you to consider.
Not the question. You’ve already taken care of that one. Congratulations!
I mean the question you’re about to ask your unsuspecting friend or relative.
Because when you ask someone to officiate your wedding, you’re giving them one of the biggest responsibilities of your wedding day.
And I want to help you do it right.
1. Choose Someone Who Actually Wants to Do It
When couples think about who they’d love to have officiate their wedding, they usually start with the people closest to them.
That’s a great starting point. But it’s not necessarily where I’d stop.
Now, if you spend any time reading advice from the professional wedding industry about having a friend or family member officiate your wedding, you’re probably going to encounter some pretty dire warnings.
Your friend won’t know what they’re doing! They’ll forget their lines! They’ll ruin the ceremony! They’ll completely screw up your wedding!
And you know what?
They might!
There are certainly enough horror stories out there about first-time officiants getting things wrong. From awkward silences to forgotten vows to ceremonies that go completely off the rails.
But here’s what I find interesting about those warnings.
They’re usually describing someone who hasn’t been properly prepared.
And we’ll get to that. Because there’s absolutely no reason your friend or relative can’t learn how to officiate a wonderful wedding ceremony. I’ve been teaching people to do exactly that for years.
But first, let’s make sure you’re asking the right person.
Your best friend might be the most important person in your life besides your partner. They might know every embarrassing detail of how your relationship began. They might be the first person you called when you got engaged.
But do they enjoy public speaking?
Are they comfortable being the centre of attention?
Are they the kind of person who will take the responsibility seriously, prepare thoroughly, and follow through?
Because here’s the thing: you can love someone dearly and still recognize that standing in front of 150 people holding a microphone might be their idea of a living nightmare.
And you don’t want to put them in that position.
On the other hand, maybe your cousin isn’t the most obvious choice, but she’s warm, confident, organized, and loves telling stories. She might be fantastic!
So when you’re deciding whom to ask, consider two things.
First, your relationship with that person. Do they know you both? Do they care about your relationship? Would having them officiate make your wedding ceremony more meaningful?
Second, their willingness and ability to prepare. Are they comfortable speaking in public, or at least willing to learn? Do they have the time to take this on?
You want both.
And notice I didn’t say they need experience officiating weddings.
They can learn that part.
And later in this article, I’ll show you how to help them.
2. How to Actually Ask Someone to Officiate Your Wedding
Now for the big question.
You can make this as elaborate or as simple as you’d like.
Some couples create a gift box with a handwritten invitation. Some give their friend a personalized card. Some take their chosen person out for dinner.
And some probably blurt it out halfway through a conversation because they’re too excited to keep the secret.
All perfectly acceptable approaches, in my book.
But whether you’re making a grand gesture or asking over coffee, I’d recommend three things.
Tell them why you’ve chosen them. Explain what you’re asking. And give them permission to think about it.
Here’s an example of what you might say:
We’ve been talking about who we’d love to have officiate our wedding, and we keep coming back to you.
You’re such an important part of our lives. You know us, you know our story, and we think having you lead our ceremony would make the day incredibly special.
We know it’s a big responsibility, and we don’t expect you to know how to do it right now. We’d help you prepare. But would you be willing to think about it?
That’s it.
No elaborate speech required.
Here’s something I tell my first-time officiant students all the time, especially those who’ve been given Unboring!Wedding Academy as a gift by the couple they’re marrying.
They’re often so nervous about getting everything right. They’re worried they’ll disappoint the couple, forget something important, or somehow fail to live up to the honour of being asked.
And I always remind them: Remember why your couple chose you. They love you. They want you to be you.
They didn’t choose you because you’re a professional public speaker or because you’ve officiated a hundred weddings. They chose you because of who you are and what you mean to them. They want your personality, your warmth, yoursense of humour, and that special connection you share with them to come through in their ceremony.
Of course, they also want you to know what you’re doing! And we’ll get to that. But I think it’s worth remembering this when you’re deciding whom to ask. You’re choosing someone for who they already are. The skills they need to officiate your wedding? Those can be learned.
And I want to emphasize something else about the invitation.
Give them a genuine opportunity to say no.
They might love you to bits and still not want the responsibility. That’s okay.
You want your chosen officiant to be excited about doing this, not feeling trapped into saying yes because you’re looking at them with puppy-dog eyes.
3. Please Don’t Tell Them It’s Going to Be Easy
Here’s a mistake I’d love to save you from.
Your friend looks a little nervous when you ask.
So you reassure them.
“Oh, don’t worry! It’s super easy! You just stand up there for twenty minutes and read something!”
Please don’t say that.
I understand why couples do it. You’re excited, you want your friend to feel comfortable, and you don’t want them to think you’re asking for some enormous favour.
But you are asking for an enormous favour!
And that’s not a bad thing.
I’ve been officiating weddings since 2011, and I’ve spent years teaching first-time officiants around the world.
One of the most common stories I hear goes something like this:
“My best friend’s daughter asked if I’d officiate her wedding. I said yes. And now I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”
Which is usually how they end up finding me on Google or YouTube.
And I love helping them!
But here’s what’s happening. The couple is delighted that someone they love has agreed to officiate. They assume that person will figure out the rest.
Meanwhile, their chosen officiant is sitting at home wondering how on earth to write a wedding ceremony.
What do I say at the beginning? How do I tell their story? What happens during the vows? Do I have to lead the rehearsal? What happens if I forget something?
They’re honoured to have been asked, but now the responsibility is starting to sink in.
So instead of telling your friend that officiating is easy, tell them the truth.
It’s a meaningful responsibility. It takes preparation. And you’ll make sure they have the help and resources they need.
That’s a much better way to begin.
4. Have a Vibe Check Before Everyone Gets Too Far Ahead
This is something I was talking about on my Weekly Wedding Prep Live on November 5.
When a couple contacts me about officiating their wedding, I don’t immediately send them an invoice and call it booked.
Even if they’re enthusiastic and say, “Mark, we want you! Where do we pay?”
I still want to have a conversation first.
I call it a chem check or a vibe check.
We meet virtually or in person, talk about what they’re envisioning for their ceremony, and I explain my process.
I want to know that we’re right for each other. And, importantly, I want the couple to understand what’s involved in creating the ceremony they’re hoping for.
Now, when you’re asking a friend or relative to officiate, the process often looks very different.
“Hey, Uncle Jim, would you officiate our wedding?”
“Of course! I’d be honoured!”
Fantastic. Done.
Except it’s not done.
Uncle Jim now has a wedding to officiate, and nobody has talked about how that’s actually going to happen.
So here’s my suggestion.
Once your chosen person has agreed, schedule a proper conversation about the ceremony.
Ask them what they’re comfortable doing. Explain what kind of ceremony you want. Talk about how you’ll work together.
Maybe they have questions you haven’t even considered.
Maybe they thought you’d be writing the whole ceremony and they’d simply read it.
Maybe you thought they’d be writing the whole ceremony and surprising you with it on the wedding day.
See the problem?
Have that conversation early. Everyone will feel better for it.
5. Be Clear About Who’s Responsible for What
This is where the whole thing starts to get practical.
A wedding ceremony has quite a few moving parts, and somebody needs to take responsibility for each of them.
For example:
Planning the ceremony. You’ll need to discuss the structure, the processional, your vows, any readings or rituals, and the overall feeling you want your ceremony to have.
Writing the ceremony script. Someone needs to put everything together into the actual words that will be spoken.
Writing your love story. If you want your officiant to tell your relationship story, how will they collect the information? Will they send you questions? Will they ask your friends and family for their stories?
Reviewing the script. Will you see the ceremony before the wedding? How far in advance? Will your officiant keep the love story as a surprise?
Running the rehearsal. Who’s going to organize the processional, explain where everyone stands, and make sure the wedding party knows what they’re doing?
Providing ceremony supplies. If you’re including a unity candle, sand ceremony, handfasting, or another ritual, who’s responsible for bringing everything?
I brought up that last one during my livestream because I’ve heard stories of officiants arriving at a wedding ceremony, only to discover that the couple thought the officiant was bringing the handfasting cord.
And the officiant thought the couple was bringing it.
Well, that’s awkward.
It seems like such a little thing. But imagine finding that out five minutes before the ceremony.
The solution is pretty straightforward.
Talk about who’s doing what, and put it in writing.
I’m not suggesting that you need to hire a lawyer and draw up a twenty-page contract with your Uncle Jim.
But even a simple document listing the responsibilities, the important dates, and what you’ve agreed to can make a world of difference.
In my own officiating business, I use written agreements that explain exactly what I’ll provide and what the couple is responsible for.
And I think the same principle applies when the person officiating is someone you love.
It protects everyone’s expectations and makes the process much more enjoyable.
6. Remember: It’s Your Wedding Ceremony
There’s something I say all the time when I’m teaching wedding officiants.
The couple are the boss.
It’s their ceremony!
If a couple tells me they want a handfasting, I don’t immediately launch into the way I like to do handfastings.
I ask them what they’re envisioning.
What does a handfasting mean to them? What would they like it to look like? What are they hoping their guests will experience?
Because their idea might be completely different from the handfasting ceremonies I’ve performed before.
And that’s fine!
My job is to help them make their vision a reality.
The same principle applies to your chosen friend or relative.
They’re going to have ideas, and that’s wonderful. They might suggest a reading, a particular way of telling your story, or a ritual they’ve seen at another wedding.
Talk about those things together.
But make sure they understand what matters to you.
Do you want a lot of humour? Something more romantic and sentimental? A short, simple ceremony? Something that includes your families or reflects your backgrounds?
And are there things you definitely don’t want?
Maybe you don’t want any religious language. Maybe you don’t want a particular tradition. Maybe you don’t want your officiant sharing that embarrassing story from college.
Now would be a good time to tell them!
The best ceremonies happen when the officiant really understands the couple and what they want their wedding day to feel like.
7. Make Sure They Can Legally Officiate Your Wedding
Okay, let’s talk about something important.
Knowing how to officiate a wedding and being legally authorized to marry someone are two different things.
In some places, it’s relatively straightforward for a friend or family member to become authorized to solemnize a marriage.
In other places, it’s much more complicated. And in some jurisdictions, your chosen person might not be able to perform the legal marriage at all.
So before you get too far into your planning, check the marriage laws where your wedding is actually taking place.
Getting married in the United States? Start with USA.gov’s marriage licence information, which directs you (through a series of clicks!) to the appropriate state authorities. You’ll need to check your state’s specific rules about who can legally perform your marriage.
Getting married in Canada? Marriage officiant requirements are established provincially and territorially. Check your provincial or territorial government requirements for authorized officiants.
And if you’re getting married somewhere else in the world, consult the appropriate government marriage authority for that location.
Don’t assume that someone can simply get ordained online and legally marry you anywhere.
That’s not how it works everywhere.
And here’s another possibility that’s worth considering.
The person leading your wedding ceremony doesn’t necessarily have to be the person who legally registers your marriage.
My wife and I actually did something like this when we got married in South Korea.
We took care of the legal marriage separately, and we had a minister friend lead our wedding ceremony.
Depending on the laws where you’re getting married, you may be able to do something similar.
Some couples complete the legal marriage with an authorized official and then have a friend or family member lead the wedding celebration they’ve planned.
The important thing is to understand the legal requirements before promising someone a role they might not be authorized to perform.
8. Give Them Enough Time to Prepare
I can tell you from experience that the people who begin preparing months ahead of a wedding are having a very different experience from those who contact me three days before the big event.
I get emails from panicked first-time officiants who suddenly realize the wedding is this Saturday.
They haven’t finished writing their script. They aren’t sure what happens during the ring exchange. They don’t know how to lead the rehearsal.
And they’re getting a little worried!
Understandably.
So when should you ask someone to officiate your wedding?
As early as you reasonably can.
If you’re planning a wedding a year from now, there’s nothing wrong with asking your chosen person a year in advance.
If the wedding is just a few months away, that can work too, provided they have the time and willingness to prepare.
What I wouldn’t recommend is asking at the last minute and expecting them to figure everything out.
Once your chosen person has agreed, set some dates.
When will you meet to plan the ceremony? When will they have a first draft ready? When will you review it? When is the rehearsal?
And here’s something else I recommend.
Make sure you’ve both agreed on when the ceremony script will be finished.
In my own business, I promise couples their completed script no later than two weeks before the wedding, although I aim to deliver it much earlier.
Why?
Because I don’t want anyone worrying about what their wedding ceremony is going to look like when they’re already dealing with a thousand other wedding details.
And I doubt you do either.
9. Give Your Officiant the Gift of Knowing What They’re Doing
Now, here’s something I’d love you to consider.
You’ve chosen someone who matters enormously to you. You’ve honoured them by asking them to officiate your wedding.
But you’ve also handed them a responsibility they’ve probably never had before.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could give them everything they need to do it well?
That’s exactly why I created Unboring!Wedding Academy.
I’ve taken what I’ve learned from officiating weddings since 2011 and turned it into a complete six-stage training program.
Your chosen officiant will learn how to plan your ceremony with you, write the script, tell your love story, run the rehearsal, and deliver the whole thing with confidence.
They’ll also receive professional ceremony scripts, real wedding examples, practical checklists, personal support, and access to Officiantly©, the ceremony planning and writing software I created and use myself.
And here’s the best part.
You can purchase the Academy as a gift for your chosen officiant.
For $297 USD, you can give them the complete training program and the software to create your wedding ceremony.
At checkout, simply select “Send as a gift,” enter their email address, add a personal message if you’d like, and choose whether to send it immediately or on a future date.
Gift Unboring!Wedding Academy to Your Chosen Officiant — $297 USD
You might even make this part of the way you ask them.
Or, if you’d rather not put any pressure on them, ask them first and give them the training after they’ve said yes.
Imagine the difference that makes.
Instead of wondering how they’re going to figure everything out, they’ve got a complete process to follow and someone who’s done this hundreds of times showing them what to do.
And you’ve got the peace of mind of knowing the person you’ve chosen is preparing to give you a wonderful ceremony.
I think that’s a pretty terrific gift.
10. Have One More Conversation After They Say Yes
Okay, your chosen person has agreed to officiate, you’ve discussed the responsibilities, and you’ve started planning.
Excellent!
But before you get back to choosing flowers and arguing about the seating arrangements, I’ve got one more suggestion.
I’ve written an entire article called The 5 Essential Questions to Ask Your First-Time Wedding Officiant.
I’d recommend that you read it together.
It covers some of the practical questions that couples and their chosen officiants need to discuss, including the legal requirements, the rehearsal, the ceremony script, and the preparation involved.
It’s a great way to make sure you’re both on the same page.
And I can’t emphasize enough how important that is.
Your wedding ceremony shouldn’t be a mystery to you.
You should know what your officiant is planning, what they’re preparing, and how your ceremony is going to unfold.
Now, I do love keeping the couple’s love story a surprise until the actual wedding ceremony. I think there’s something wonderful about hearing your story for the first time alongside your guests.
But that’s something you and your officiant can decide together.
Everything else? Talk about it. Agree on it. Make sure everyone’s comfortable with the plan.
One Last Thing: Remember Why You Chose Them
When you first thought about asking this person to officiate your wedding, I doubt your main consideration was that they had a terrific speaking voice or knew how to hold a microphone.
You thought of them because they matter to you.
They know you. They love you. They’ve watched your relationship grow. Maybe they’ve been there through some of the best and worst moments of your lives.
That’s what makes having a friend or family member officiate so special.
And I’ve seen how wonderful a ceremony can be when someone who genuinely loves the couple is standing at the front of the room.
But that personal connection needs to be matched with preparation.
Your chosen person needs to learn how to take everything they know and love about you and turn it into a ceremony your guests will enjoy, that feels like you, and that celebrates what this day is all about.
So ask them thoughtfully. Give them permission to say no. Be clear about the responsibility. Help them prepare.
And then enjoy the experience of having someone you love lead you through one of the biggest moments of your life.
Because when that person is standing at the front of the room, prepared and confident, telling your story and guiding you through your promises to each other?
That can be one heck of a wedding ceremony.
And that’s exactly what we’re going for.
The Best. Ceremony. Ever.
